This was an excellent little story, touching on so many of the things that make Harry and Ginny not a working couple while H/Hr does work. And that was a brilliant swipe at Twilight you snuck in there.
You might take a look at the formatting if you post it to Portkey or elsewhere...lots of odd line breaks within paragraphs.
I did see a few things:
She was clearly dangling for the Potter engagement ring that she knew full-well was in his vault.
Unless it's a phrase I'm not familiar with, I think it should be "angling" for the ring.
He chuckled, though there was little mirth to it,
I'd end this with a period, not a comma.
Mum was a Muggle-born. You can't survive alone for an hour in Muggle London without calling undo attention to yourself.
That should be "undue".
“I might also have hinted that I should have ended it with her long before she had the engagement announcement mocked up for Witch Weekly”
Missing a period at the end, there.
Now Hermione sighed a bit, but still looked faintly pleaded as she told him quietly, “Ron and I just told the rest of the family. We broke up last week.”
Not sure what you mean by "pleaded", there. Pleading? Pleased?
“Because of their Dad, the Weasley kids mostly see Muggles and Muggle ways of doing things as harmless and rather uninteresting oddities.
Need to close the quotes.
I compared her OWL and NEWTresults...”
Need a space between those last two words.
I know, low blow, but she was driving me mental.
Just a thought - "low blow" sounds really American. But the only substitute I can come up with might be out of date and I'm not even quite sure I'm phrasing it correctly: "not cricket". I'll dig around and see if I can find what I mean.
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Date: 2011-11-20 11:47 pm (UTC)You might take a look at the formatting if you post it to Portkey or elsewhere...lots of odd line breaks within paragraphs.
I did see a few things:
She was clearly dangling for the Potter engagement ring that she knew full-well was in his vault.
Unless it's a phrase I'm not familiar with, I think it should be "angling" for the ring.
He chuckled, though there was little mirth to it,
I'd end this with a period, not a comma.
Mum was a Muggle-born. You can't survive alone for an hour in Muggle London without calling undo attention to yourself.
That should be "undue".
“I might also have hinted that I should have ended it with her long before she had the engagement announcement mocked up for Witch Weekly”
Missing a period at the end, there.
Now Hermione sighed a bit, but still looked faintly pleaded as she told him quietly, “Ron and I just told the rest of the family. We broke up last week.”
Not sure what you mean by "pleaded", there. Pleading? Pleased?
“Because of their Dad, the Weasley kids mostly see Muggles and Muggle ways of doing things as harmless and rather uninteresting oddities.
Need to close the quotes.
I compared her OWL and NEWTresults...”
Need a space between those last two words.
I know, low blow, but she was driving me mental.
Just a thought - "low blow" sounds really American. But the only substitute I can come up with might be out of date and I'm not even quite sure I'm phrasing it correctly: "not cricket". I'll dig around and see if I can find what I mean.
Hope that helps. Thanks so much for sharing it!